#4 On Sex
Exploring the business of sex, going on a night stroll around the Red Light District in Amsterdam and diving into the principles of tantra and slow love-making.
"If you had to choose, would you prefer to live a life with amazing sex but terrible food, or a life with amazing food but terrible sex?"
Existencial question
The origin of it all.
Sex is the force that created every single one of us on this planet (okay, except for those lab-grown humans). It's not just a physical act for procreation - it's a soulful, mind-blowing experience that can connect you to yourself, your partner, and even the universe. When done right, sex is an electrifying fusion of pleasure, intimacy, and transcendence.
Despite its vital role in our existence, talking about sex can still feel taboo and edgy. I mean, will your inbox even allow the word in? Will it censor it as Instagram does?
We've inherited centuries of shame and secrecy surrounding sensuality and sexuality, with Western religions playing a significant role. Offering a virgin mother as a role model was a sneaky way of trapping women into feeling inadequate, as none of us can have both.
Sex has to be something not obscene, not pornographic, not condemned, not repressed but immensely respected. It’s our life source, after all.
And the benefits of sex go way beyond procreation. When done consciously and with consent, it can satisfy our bodies, hearts, souls, intelligence, creativity, and our love for ourselves and others. During sexual activity, the brain releases all kinds of good stuff, like endorphins (natural painkillers and stress reducers), oxytocin (the love hormone), dopamine and serotonin (the feel-good neurotransmitters).
Get ready for a letter that delves into the business of sex and pleasure with a journalistic touch. Exploring today’s sexual culture and its impact on society, as well as discovering the principles of tantra.
I'll be drawing from my own experience and learnings, combined with data to offer both a personal and broad perspective on the topic of sex.
From Creating to Consuming.
It's no secret that sex sells. From perfume campaigns to magazine covers, sexual scenes in movies, and ad campaigns, sexuality penetrates our media and culture beyond the sex industry.
Whether or not you consider prostitution the world's oldest profession, the sex industry has become an increasingly lucrative business, encompassing a wide range of activities and services, from prostitution and pornography to strip clubs, phone sex, and escort services.
Despite the size and scope of this economy, it remains a murky and often underground industry, making it difficult to estimate its true value.
Mindgeek, the parent company of Pornhub and other porn sites made a revenue of 460M USD in 2021. That same year, Black Chyna, the top-earner creator on OnlyFans, made 20 million U.S. dollars a month, that is 240 million US dollars in a year, half of what Mindgeek made.
New platforms like OnlyFans have disrupted the traditional sex industry, allowing content creators and sex workers to define and monetise their work.
Another aspect of the sex industry is sexual wellness industry; sex therapy, sexual health clinics, educational resources, and sexual wellness products like lubricants, sex toys, and other aids. The growth of this market is subtle, less out there, yet steadily emerging as mushrooms coming out through concrete.
To gain a deeper understanding of the sex industry, I visited the most famous legal outdoor brothel in the world. I happens to be a 10-minute bike ride from my home. I approached the evening free of judgment and allowing myself to fully engage the senses. The experience shed light on the complexities of the sex industry and reinforced the need for more open and honest conversations about sex in our society.
A Visit to the Red Light District.
As the sun was setting on the first Friday of March, I decided to visit De Wallen, the medieval city center of Amsterdam, better known as the Red Light District. Biking there I felt childlike curiosity, the novelty of experiencing something familiar with a fresh new outlook.
With an open heart and mind I turn the street in Nieuwmarkt and start noticing the first red and blue neon lights illuminating the small rooms visible through the windows.
Two women are standing outside one of the rooms, chatting and exchanging laughs and a hug. One of them is already working, while the other is on her way. As I continued walking, I observed groups of young men from various nationalities, making lewd comments and giggling nervously as they passed by the women in the windows. Some of the women knock on the windows glass to attract the lads’ attention.
This interaction makes me wonder about power dynamics. While the sex worker is clearly controlling the exchange, the clients are the ones paying for their services, if sex work follows the same mantra as most businesses, if “the customer is always right”, that gives them the upper hand.
The Red Light District is filled with room rental offices, live sex shows, sex shops, and windows with varying degrees of activity. Some men standing on the corners, likely pimps or drug dealers, are keeping a watchful eye on those entering and leaving the rooms.
With all the visual overstimulation for the male gaze, I feel observed. In this context my body has become one more tourist attraction to observe with vicious looks. I assume all this stimulus causes the blood in male bodies to go to the genitals, therefore allowing little space for the brain to consider moral values.
Since 2000, the legalisation of prostitution in Amsterdam has led to better regulation and control of human trafficking. The law allows sex workers to operate as self-employed individuals, pay taxes, and receive benefits such as healthcare and social security. Despite the regularisation, the industry still faces issues such as emotional violence from pimps and drug addiction among sex workers.
Sex workers are business women and the windows are the offices from where they operate their primary economical activity, sex.
The city of Amsterdam is exploring alternative solutions to the Red Light District, in order to clean the image of the city center and reduce the exposure of sex work in public spaces. However, the Prostitution Information Center wants to keep this economical activity in the center of the city as they are afraid a new environment would mean less available rooms to work and reduces the customer traffic.
While legalisation provides a safer working environment for sex workers, the practice of displaying women in windows for purchase in the center of the city perpetuates the objectification of the female body.
The sexual culture and the objectification of women was mentioned in a letter Avi sent, making reference to the book Citadels of Pride: Sexual Abuse, Accountability, and Reconciliation written by Martha Nussbaum.
Demolishing the Citadels of Pride.
Original letter "Cultura Sexual” by Avi Rossend
The protected zones of male privilege, known as citadels of pride must be proposed for demolition.
Legal criteria and the guarantee of legal protection against sexual violence and harassment is not suffering because arrogance is a key vice that drives the powerful to dominate through superiority, believing that they are above the law and that other human beings are not fully real, and thus objectified in this case.
Women are more vulnerable to sexual abuse when, for whatever reason, they are seen as inferior beings to be subjected to and to whom it is permitted to humiliate and harm.
Involuntary celibates who hate women who deny them the satisfaction they believe they deserve. When one of them does not obediently submit to their desires, as a woman in internet pornography would, they try to soothe their mood with cruelty and without compassion.
"The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity", let’s reverse their terms.
by Avi Rossend
The Novelty Trap.
Younger, Hotter, Better, Stronger, Faster…
We are sold that options are unlimited and we can have anything and everything at our disposal. We are in the era of the instant gratification economy, able to get anything from anywhere in a couple of clicks. Sadly, this perception is also true when it comes to sex and the longterm effects in our sex lives don’t look at all promising.
Effects of Pornography:
A research conducted among students revealed that being exposed to pornographic content for an extended period of time can result in a higher tolerance to sexual stimuli. This increased tolerance was associated with a shift in the pattern of online pornography use, with major changes including:
46.0% switching to a novel genre of explicit material.
60.9% using materials that do not match sexual orientation.
32.0% needing to use more extreme (violent) material.
When you think options are unlimited and there is always something more exciting out there, chances are you will feel utterly unsatisfied.
In real life, our options are far from what porn sites have to offer. If you constantly need more stimulus to be aroused, you will most likely find the average human sexual interaction extremely boring.
Good news is, novelty can be found daily by exploring the depths of intimacy rather than the carnal excitement of the newness; with yourself and another.
“What if we slowed down to a pace that suited our souls?”
Scilla Elworthy
The Beauty of Slow Sex.
Want to end with the basics of tantric teaching. Tantra encourages a shift away from the goal-oriented approach to sex that is common in Western culture, and towards a more present and mindful approach that values pleasure, intimacy, and emotional connection over orgasm.
Intimacy between partners is only possible when there is an equal balance of power. Passion in a relationship is sustained by recognising and appreciating the differences. It is these differences that create excitement and variety in a relationship.
Women are definitely not frigid by nature, but their bodies start to freeze over when the sex is always hot, hard and quick.
Basically, with women there are no general rules to be made. What works one day may not necessarily work the next day. Women are very sensitive to any sigs of male intention. Woman can feel immediately if a man has intention behind his touch, and this very often closes down her body.
By remaining mindful of your energy, thoughts, and heart, you can transform your sexual energy into meditative energy. The body is always present, but it's the mind that wanders, by focusing on the present moment you will reach places you have never been before.
“The sexiest thing someone can do, especially in long term relationships, is do their inner work and healing. And love you from a place of an open heart.”
Take this moment to turn the gaze inward, reflect on the below questions and have fun exploring the answers:
What is your relationship with sex?
What are your boundaries?
What turns you on?
What touches you deeply?
What do you desire?
How is your sex life?
Cultura Sexual
Original letter from Avi Rossend
Las resguardadas zonas de privilegio masculino, denominados ciudadelas de la soberbia y debe proponerse su derrumbo.
Los criterios jurídicos y la garantía de protección legal ante la violencia y acoso sexual, no es sufrimiento porque la soberbia es vicio clave que empuja a los poderosos por su dominio de la prepotencia, creyendo que están por encima de la ley y que otros seres humanos no son del todo reales, están pues en este caso despersonalizados.
Las mujeres son más vulnerables al abuso sexual cuando, por el motivo que sea, son vistas como seres inferiores a los que someter y a quienes está permitido humillar y dañar.
Célibes involuntarios que odian a las mujeres que les niegan satisfacciones que creen merecer. Cuando una de ellas no se pliega dócilmente a sus deseos, como lo haría una mujer en el porno de internet, tratan de quedar su ánimo con crueldad y sin compasión.
“Los mejores carecen de toda convicción y los peores están llenos de apasionada intensidad” para revertir sus términos.
Avi Rossend
Inspiration & Additional Resources
Music:
“I made this for you” Spotify playlist by Riam Sanusi
People:
Diana & Michael Richardson - Holistic Body Therapies & Tantra .
Elena Rossi (@the_yoni_empire) - Female Libido & Somatic Bodywork.
Melissa Maya (@wildlydevotional) - Bodywork, Poetry & Feminine Leadership.
Erika Lust (@erikalustfilms) - Erotic Filmaker.
Books:
Support your local book store before sponsoring Amazon.
If they don’t have it, added the links to the books below.
Power & Sex by Scilla Ellworthy
Tantric Orgasm for Women & Tantric Sex for Men by Diana & Michael Richardson
Conscious Loving by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks
The Citadels of Pride by Martha Nausman
Slow Love: A Polynesian Pillow Book by James N. Powell
Women on Top of the World: What Women Think About When They're Having Sex by Lucy-Anne Holmes